I have to disappoint you. I have to allow you to possibly be upset with me, angry even.
And I have to be completely okay with that.
I can't backtrack to try to appease you. I can't do what you'd like me to do (but I really don't want to do) in order to keep the peace. I can't be the diplomat.
Like I said, this is almost like what I worked on last month, except this is not just about having an absolute "no" list. It's about saying no when I need to do so. It's about following my gut and not giving in to guilt. It's about recognizing that I have needs as well-- needs I need to fulfill and protect.
Honestly, I hate it when others are upset with me. Oftentimes I stew over negative feelings I know someone may have toward me, obsessing over what I can do or say to "make it better." Yet, when I'm trying to make it better, I'm really trying to feel better about myself. I'm trying to subconsciously manipulate someone else's feelings about me so that I don't have to obsess anymore.
Because it's torture.
But that means that my desire to fix things isn't coming from a true, sincere, selfless place. It's actually coming from a vain and completely self-centered place.
Serving others is one of the most noble acts we can perform, and yet it only is such if it comes from a heart that's in the right place. It is only meaningful when done altruistically.
I have those experiences as well! And they are awesome! I come away from serving feeling like I really served myself as well, when that really wasn't the intention at all.
But when done out of guilt or shame, or to keep the peace (or when I really know I don't have the time nor means), I feel... ripped off. I feel cheated. Bitter, even. I'm mad at myself for saying yes when I KNOW I shouldn't have, but I try to put off my frustrations on those that asked me for help or I perceived as having taken advantage of me so I don't have to admit it was really my fault.
Boy, how's all that for anxiety?!
As I teach my kids all the time, though: Worry about yourself.
Of course, I tell them this when they are arguing about how awful and rude the other sibling is, when each kid really needs to take a good, long look in the mirror and see what they personally need to change. But I also teach them that this means they can't control the other person. Allie can't turn Sami into someone she's not. Neither can Sami make Allie act or think or feel a certain way.
Worry about yourself.
I can't take the responsibility upon myself to determine how you think or feel either. I can and will be polite, respectful, considerate, honest, and as compassionate as I can be. But if you ultimately don't like my choices-- if I say no to you-- whether or not you are upset is not a problem for me to handle. It's a problem for you to handle.
Cheryl Richardson, in the chapter titled "Let Me Disappoint You" in her book The Art of Extreme Self-Care says, "Remember, if you're going to disappoint people the right way, the idea is to tell the truth with respect and care, not manage their emotions. While you can't control how someone feels or how they react, you can control how you feel and how you choose to make your point. Don't measure your success by the response you receive. Measure it by how you feel once your anxiety disappears."
And I would absolutely love for my anxiety to disappear!
As I kick off the next month, I will have to become comfortable with others being disappointed in me. It's okay if you might mad at me.
I mean, my kids feel this way about me everyday. So it shouldn't be too hard, right?
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