I Just Might Say No...

My friend Heather and I often got asked to sing at church as teenagers. We were both pretty good, and could throw together a musical number fairly quickly. So I think we were the bishopric's "go-to." Of course, her dad was also a member of said bishopric, so...

I remember one particular time, though, when we were asked to sing. I'm pretty sure I didn't want to, for some reason I can't remember-- maybe too much homework, or too many activities. Or maybe I was just plain tired. None of those would surprise me, really. I think I even complained a bit to my mom about how they "never asked anyone else."

In spite of the way I felt, I agreed to sing. My mom, frustrated, looked at me and asked, "Why didn't you just say no?" Honestly, I didn't even think that was an option. If someone asked me to do something for them, unless I literally, physically was incapable of doing so, I did it. Part of it was that I didn't want to let them down, and perhaps part of it (if I'm being completely truthful) was to prove to those that thought I shouldn't or couldn't, that I could-- that I could be Supergirl. I always had an issue with wanting to prove others wrong if they told me I couldn't do anything, for whatever reason... even perhaps a good one.

And, because I was stubborn, the fact that my mom wanted me to say no, made me want to say yes. Always.

I never thought about how much stress or anxiety any one activity caused me. I convinced myself that it would be weak of me to say no, and "doing it all" could actually be done. No one taught me to believe this way. And, trust me, nowhere in the scriptures can you find such a ridiculous doctrine.

It all comes down to the need to prove myself, either to others or maybe just to me. I just wanted approval.

I think that might be why I began my journey in self-care with the exercise to look at my reflection and say, "I love you, Krissy." I had to show myself that love wasn't something I had to earn. I had to see first-hand that I was lovable, by God and others, no matter what I did or didn't do, looking at myself as if I were my own child, needing a nurturing, gentle, encouraging hand. My kids know that they have my love, no strings attached, forever. So why shouldn't I?

And since I have no need to seek approval, then I should have no problem saying no, when saying yes would would not be a loving response toward me.

I was just reading 2 Corinthians 8 yesterday, where Paul teaches the Saints in Corinth about imparting their substance unto the poor. He wrote, "13 For I mean not that other men be eased, and ye burdened. 14 By by equality, that now at this time your abundance may be a supply for their want, that their abundance also may be a supply for your want: that there may be equality." (KJV)

When I read verse 13, I thought about it over and over. And then I connected it to the next verse.

Sure, when we are blessed with abundance, the Lord expects us to give to the poor. But the poor can't be expected to give away the little they have, the bare necessities, to make others' lives easier, without it creating undue burdens upon them and their families. (Yet, ironically, these tend to be some of the most giving, selfless people in the world.)

Well, what about the "poor in spirit?" Or the poor in time or energy or health?

This is where saying "no" comes into play.

It's a beautiful thing that there are so many willing and capable hands on this earth-- billions, even! If my own hands are weary, or busy, or weak, there are others to lift them. Or if another's hands need lifting, and mine are not capable of reaching out to help, there are others who can.

Remember, billions of hands.

I don't need to do it all. I don't need to be the savior (there's only One anyway...), and I surely don't need to make everyone happy. I cannot take that responsibility upon myself without feeling the weight of the world resting upon my shoulders. And who in the world would want that?

So, I give you my "Absolute 'No' List."  Before I go further, let me emphasize that are going to be things that sometimes I do and sometimes I don't (i.e. sometimes I will be able to bring a meal to someone, and other times I will say no) because my resources and circumstances vary from day-to-day. But this list refers to things to which I will always say no in order to take better care of myself.

This list I will be strictly adhering to for the next month. My list may not be your list. There may be some things on here that you think are not a big deal, and that's fine! But for me, they cause anxiety and stress. I don't need them. Here goes:

* I will not answer the phone or be on my phone during meals, even if I'm alone.
* I will not feel obligated to spend time with others who choose to live in chaos or attempt to pull me into their drama.
* I will not feel bad about saying no when it is what's best for me.
* I will not attend sales parties unless there is something I need in particular, even if it is to "help a friend."
* I will not give to charities over the phone, or feel guilty for not doing so.
* I will not bring catalogs into the house unless there is something in it I specifically need.
* I will not drive more than 20 minutes each way to drive my child to/from a regular weekly activity.
* I will not commit to more than one community leadership position at a time.
* I will not apologize for not being able to help or volunteer.
* I will not let others' demands of me take away from time to get physical exercise.

Boy, just writing out this list is so liberating!

My challenge this month? Place this list somewhere I will see it and review it daily.

So, my friends, what's on your "Absolute 'No" List?" Or, perhaps, what would you like to have on your list? What can you work on this month?