My one consolation is the quiet time I have once we get to the church and she enters the classroom. From there I keep walking down the hallway to the chapel doors. The chapel is dark, except for a couple safety lights that are always on. It's just barely light enough for me to sit on a pew and pull out my scriptures, as well as whatever novel I'm slowly working my way through at the moment.
Right now, it's Little Women. And Marmee is probably the wisest mother I've ever seen... But I digress.
This morning after Seminary, we made our way home, still in the dark at 7am. We arrived with just enough time to open up to 1 Thessalonians, chapter 1 (a short chapter) as a family for a few minutes before sending everyone off to school.
Eve had a choir practice before school this morning, so Kevin took her, and I walked Drew. Kevin could have taken Drew as well, but I enjoy the mile walk to school. It's a special time with my kids that I will one day be without, so I'm soaking it in while I can.
And, this morning, rather than walking back, I decided to run. Running isn't a particularly enjoyable activity for me, but I can handle a mile or so. I'm not a "runner" by any means. I guess I just want to make sure I can run if I really need to, for whatever reason.
Within the hour, I was driving Sami to school, and I was happy with the way my morning had gone. It isn't all the time that I'm able to squeeze all of that in. Sometimes my time in the scriptures is a bit... abbreviated. Or sometimes my walk to school doesn't happen. But I try. That's all I can do, right?
As drove with Sami in the car, I caught myself almost thinking, Hey, I'm living life right this morning. In that moment, I realized that those habits aren't living life "right" at all, and thinking so is not only prideful, but dangerous. Rather, they are preparing me to endure through hard times in life when my faith and testimony and perhaps even my body will be tried and tested-- they are preparing me to live my life "right."
Within the past year, I have gotten all new tires on the van. The difference between tires with brand new tread and tires that have been worn bald isn't really apparent on a road that is newly paved and dry. But add some rain or oil, ice or snow, and the difference is very apparent. The newer tires grip the road, and the driver can maintain control of the vehicle. The bald tires, though?
So I study God's word each day, not just to say I've done it, not just to check it off the list and pat myself on the back. I study to learn something profound and important, to hear the voice of the Lord speaking to me. I know it's not having read from the scriptures that will help me navigate a slippery road, but having studied from them.
It's the same with literature or exercise. When I focus on what I'm learning and what I'm gaining, how I'm preparing myself for life, all becomes more than a task on my "to-do" list. And this is part of my own self-care journey.
I was asked recently about how I'm actually doing-- how I'm feeling and progressing. Is the Self-Care making a difference in my life? Absolutely!
I'm learning my limits. I'm learning a whole new approach to honesty that includes being true to myself and my own energy and nature. I'm learning I don't need to try to make everyone happy.
It's completely liberating.
I'll admit, I have moments of sadness and discouragement. I still battle feelings of failure. But they may never really go away. These self-care exercises are meant to help me prepare myself for, defend myself against, and navigate my way through my own "slippery roads." They are meant to give me new tires and new driving skills for all of those road hazards against which my previous bald tires couldn't stand a chance.
So, as much as it pains me to re-set my alarm clock each morning, knowing it will jar me from my sleep in the wee hours the next morning, I know I'm just adding tread to my tires.
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