Sunshine Beyond the Clouds

In the Women's Session of the General Conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints earlier this month, Sister Reyna I. Aburto, Second Counselor in the Relief Society Presidency, opened up about depression, anxiety, and even suicide.

I loved the story she told about being in an airplane above a storm, with the sun reflecting beautifully off the clouds below. Soon the plane descended below the clouds and she was stunned at the contrast. Just moments ago there was so much light, and now the light had seemingly vanished... When overwhelmed by the storms of life, it can be difficult to remember that the Light is still there.

I had received one distinct message as I listened-- I need to keep blogging.

Of course, it's partly for me. Writing is incredibly therapeutic. I sort out my own thoughts, organizing them on paper so they quit bouncing off the walls inside my head and even multiplying till they're unbearable.

But it's also for you-- for anyone who reads this. I want you to know that you are not alone. My posts are just a virtual hug meant to tell you, Hey, I get it. Even if just a little. It's ok. You're ok.

After the April General Conference this year, I decided that the best way for me to review the talks again was to watch one or two a day-- just enough so I'm not overwhelmed, but can ponder them as I run errands and fold laundry. And when the October Conference came, I knew I wanted to make this a habit.

Sister Aburto's talk popped up today as I ate my lunch. My eyes fixed on her face as she poured out her heart, with love and peace washing over me. And I knew I needed to share this message with all of you.

So find a quiet place, and set aside twelve minutes and watch it. You might want to keep a notebook handy, just in case you feel a burst of inspiration. In the comments below, I would love to hear how this message moved you!

"Your struggles do not define you, but they can refine you."

-- Reyna I. Aburto

Living Life "Right"

Allie is in her second year of Seminary, and I'm still not used to it. My alarm goes off at 5:20am, and I can't remember ever being in a good mood about that, especially since it's so dang dark in the morning right now.

My one consolation is the quiet time I have once we get to the church and she enters the classroom. From there I keep walking down the hallway to the chapel doors. The chapel is dark, except for a couple safety lights that are always on. It's just barely light enough for me to sit on a pew and pull out my scriptures, as well as whatever novel I'm slowly working my way through at the moment.

Right now, it's Little Women. And Marmee is probably the wisest mother I've ever seen... But I digress.

This morning after Seminary, we made our way home, still in the dark at 7am. We arrived with just enough time to open up to 1 Thessalonians, chapter 1 (a short chapter) as a family for a few minutes before sending everyone off to school.

Eve had a choir practice before school this morning, so Kevin took her, and I walked Drew. Kevin could have taken Drew as well, but I enjoy the mile walk to school. It's a special time with my kids that I will one day be without, so I'm soaking it in while I can.

And, this morning, rather than walking back, I decided to run. Running isn't a particularly enjoyable activity for me, but I can handle a mile or so. I'm not a "runner" by any means. I guess I just want to make sure I can run if I really need to, for whatever reason.

Within the hour, I was driving Sami to school, and I was happy with the way my morning had gone. It isn't all the time that I'm able to squeeze all of that in. Sometimes my time in the scriptures is a bit... abbreviated. Or sometimes my walk to school doesn't happen. But I try. That's all I can do, right?

As drove with Sami in the car, I caught myself almost thinking, Hey, I'm living life right this morning. In that moment, I realized that those habits aren't living life "right" at all, and thinking so is not only prideful, but dangerous. Rather, they are preparing me to endure through hard times in life when my faith and testimony and perhaps even my body will be tried and tested-- they are preparing me to live my life "right."

Within the past year, I have gotten all new tires on the van. The difference between tires with brand new tread and tires that have been worn bald isn't really apparent on a road that is newly paved and dry. But add some rain or oil, ice or snow, and the difference is very apparent. The newer tires grip the road, and the driver can maintain control of the vehicle. The bald tires, though?

So I study God's word each day, not just to say I've done it, not just to check it off the list and pat myself on the back. I study to learn something profound and important, to hear the voice of the Lord speaking to me. I know it's not having read from the scriptures that will help me navigate a slippery road, but having studied from them.

It's the same with literature or exercise. When I focus on what I'm learning and what I'm gaining, how I'm preparing myself for life, all becomes more than a task on my "to-do" list. And this is part of my own self-care journey.

I was asked recently about how I'm actually doing-- how I'm feeling and progressing. Is the Self-Care making a difference in my life? Absolutely!

I'm learning my limits. I'm learning a whole new approach to honesty that includes being true to myself and my own energy and nature. I'm learning I don't need to try to make everyone happy.

It's completely liberating.

I'll admit, I have moments of sadness and discouragement. I still battle feelings of failure. But they may never really go away. These self-care exercises are meant to help me prepare myself for, defend myself against, and navigate my way through my own "slippery roads." They are meant to give me new tires and new driving skills for all of those road hazards against which my previous bald tires couldn't stand a chance.

So, as much as it pains me to re-set my alarm clock each morning, knowing it will jar me from my sleep in the wee hours the next morning, I know I'm just adding tread to my tires.

You Might be Mad at Me...

So this month's challenge is very closely related to last month's.

I have to disappoint you. I have to allow you to possibly be upset with me, angry even.

And I have to be completely okay with that. 

I can't backtrack to try to appease you. I can't do what you'd like me to do (but I really don't want to do) in order to keep the peace. I can't be the diplomat.

Like I said, this is almost like what I worked on last month, except this is not just about having an absolute "no" list. It's about saying no when I need to do so. It's about following my gut and not giving in to guilt. It's about recognizing that I have needs as well-- needs I need to fulfill and protect.

Honestly, I hate it when others are upset with me. Oftentimes I stew over negative feelings I know someone may have toward me, obsessing over what I can do or say to "make it better." Yet, when I'm trying to make it better, I'm really trying to feel better about myself. I'm trying to subconsciously manipulate someone else's feelings about me so that I don't have to obsess anymore.

Because it's torture.

But that means that my desire to fix things isn't coming from a true, sincere, selfless place. It's actually coming from a vain and completely self-centered place.

Serving others is one of the most noble acts we can perform, and yet it only is such if it comes from a heart that's in the right place. It is only meaningful when done altruistically.

I have those experiences as well! And they are awesome! I come away from serving feeling like I really served myself as well, when that really wasn't the intention at all.

But when done out of guilt or shame, or to keep the peace (or when I really know I don't have the time nor means), I feel... ripped off. I feel cheated. Bitter, even. I'm mad at myself for saying yes when I KNOW I shouldn't have, but I try to put off my frustrations on those that asked me for help or I perceived as having taken advantage of me so I don't have to admit it was really my fault.

Boy, how's all that for anxiety?!

As I teach my kids all the time, though: Worry about yourself.

Of course, I tell them this when they are arguing about how awful and rude the other sibling is, when each kid really needs to take a good, long look in the mirror and see what they personally need to change. But I also teach them that this means they can't control the other person. Allie can't turn Sami into someone she's not. Neither can Sami make Allie act or think or feel a certain way.

Worry about yourself.

I can't take the responsibility upon myself to determine how you think or feel either. I can and will be polite, respectful, considerate, honest, and as compassionate as I can be. But if you ultimately don't like my choices-- if I say no to you-- whether or not you are upset is not a problem for me to handle. It's a problem for you to handle.

Cheryl Richardson, in the chapter titled "Let Me Disappoint You" in her book The Art of Extreme Self-Care says, "Remember, if you're going to disappoint people the right way, the idea is to tell the truth with respect and care, not manage their emotions. While you can't control how someone feels or how they react, you can control how you feel and how you choose to make your point. Don't measure your success by the response you receive. Measure it by how you feel once your anxiety disappears."

And I would absolutely love for my anxiety to disappear!

As I kick off the next month, I will have to become comfortable with others being disappointed in me. It's okay if you might mad at me.

I mean, my kids feel this way about me everyday. So it shouldn't be too hard, right?

The Angels Are Listening...

I knew I was in for it the moment I said it...

You see, this year has been a bit of a challenge for us financially. And I'm not saying that in comparison with anyone else. I totally realize that there are plenty of people across the globe whose challenges are far worse than ours. 

But in terms of our goals and desires (like, we would like to purchase a third vehicle next year so that Allie can drive herself to school and activities when she has her license), we have not been able to save as much as we would have liked due to some big-ticket home repair and maintenance issues.

Monday morning, as I took Sami to school, I was discussing this with her, as I explained why we probably wouldn't be able to take a Christmas break road trip to the mountains this year, which we have done five out of the last six years. 

I, once again, listed the expenses for the broken pool chlorinator, pool pump, and garage door spring (forgetting to mention the faulty control panel on the water heater). Then we had to have our large oak cut down, because it was dead and hazardous, and the pines out back trimmed. We just fixed the burned-out burner on the stove, and still have to replace the gasket on the freezer. A couple months ago, we had to replace the microwave plate because Sami had accidentally dropped and shattered it on the tile. And now our kitchen faucet is acting up.

For us, this is way more than we usually have to deal with. 

I concluded this list to Sami with, "But, I am grateful..." And I hesitated. See, my dear friend Sarah used to tell me back in our college days, "The angels are listening." We would laugh over it, because we knew it was true. So I tried to be careful with the way I worded it...

"... I'm grateful that we have been pretty healthy up until now and haven't had a huge amount of medical expenses." I hoped I would be safe with that since the angels can't change what already happened. After all, I also felt it important to express gratitude where gratitude was due! But, deep down, I knew I was in for it.

And then Allie came home later that afternoon, sat on the couch and said, "I don't feel good." 

Oh, those angels! Did they have to be listening so well?!

I had her take a nap while I made dinner. I woke her up to eat, and then I left for choir practice. I came home later that night to a groggy girl who couldn't think clearly to get any work done. She was grumpy and felt like the world was caving in on her. I even had to help her with her chemistry homework, and I have never even taken chemistry! 

The next morning, I felt prompted to let her sleep through seminary, and woke her up an hour later. She got ready and made it to the bus stop while I took other kids to school. After the house was quiet, I rolled out my Yoga mat for a little Yoga practice, but when it concluded, I thought about Allie. I felt that I needed to text her right then, just to check on her.

Me: How are you feeling?

Allie: Terrible 

I have a fever so I'm freezing even in the sun 

Can you please check me out

I drove right to the school, and then took her straight to the urgent care. No test was needed. The doctor looked at her and said, "Congratulations, you have the flu." 

I haven't gotten the bill from the urgent care yet, because we don't have copays and it has to go through insurance. But we will pay 100% since we haven't hit our deductible yet. Same with the Tamiflu. The pharmacist felt awful about the cost, but that wasn't her fault. 

I have quarantined Allie upstairs in the bonus room and sanitized the rest of the house, praying that no one else will catch it, thinking about all the important activities and projects and tests happening in the next couple weeks, also mentally multiplying the amount spent on Allie for this by six. 

I'm sure somehow it will work out okay. It always does. The angels help there, too.

I got to thinking about how we are starting the last quarter of the year, getting ready to head into 2020. Often at the New Year, I hear so many people say things like, "Man, last year was awful! I am so glad to see it go!" Honestly, my brain doesn't usually work like that. This year has been tough at times, but it has had some really great moments, too. And, when I think of the coming year, while I may be optimistic, I also remind myself that, realistically, this next year will likely be full of its own set of challenges.

But I can't dwell on that. Worrying about what hasn't even happened, over which I have absolutely no control, isn't helping anyone. 

I'll just take things a day at a time, hoping for the best, but saving for those rainy days (rather than dreading them). 

And I'll trust that the angels around me are going to do much more for me than just dish out irony.

(My "angels" in front of the gorgeous and serene Los Angeles Temple of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints)

UPDATE 10/3/19: My dryer just broke...