Till I pulled up a certain video (actually, the one I was originally trying to find) of a certain child throwing a pretty big tantrum, which was pretty much a daily ritual. She fought me on everything in those days, and she was only three years old! If something wasn't her idea she wanted nothing to do with it. At some point everyday there would be two females with iron wills going head-to-head.
I always won because... well, I'm Mom. Moms don't lose.
She calmed down significantly once she started Kindergarten. And from then on, she mellowed to the point where people were completely shocked when I would tell them she was a handful when she was small. "No!" they would say. "Not Allie! She's too sweet to be difficult!" Yeah...
She really was sweet, though. She developed compassion and empathy (which, honestly, I thought never would happen), and stopped screaming at me. In fact, I can't even remember the last time she raised her voice at me...
She was happy with a bright smile and infectious laugh. It was a joy to be around her.
But as she approached the age of twelve we sat her down.
"Look, Allie, we wanted to warn you about a terrible disease that you are soon to acquire. We feel it necessary to warn you of the symptoms."
She was suspicious (too smart to really buy it). "What.. 'disease'?"
"It's called 'adolescence.' You'll start thinking you know everything and we know nothing and 'just don't understand.' You'll probably roll your eyes a lot and be really annoyed with us. We just wanted to make you aware so you know how to recognize it."
She laughed a little. "Ugh, ok." And that was it. Occasionally after that we would remind her of the warning if we started to see signs. She would usually laugh and agree.
Well, a few weeks ago she turned fourteen, and it has now hit. Full-blown. And it's contagious.
Suddenly, we are terribly annoying. We just don't know what it's like to be a teenager. We don't let her do anything! We are inconvenient. We are embarrassing. The works.
I really wish there was an antidote for this because I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. I feel like we have reverted back to her toddler/preschool days. Everything warrants a battle and questioning, because (obviously) her intelligence surpasses our own.
Hey, at least she doesn't scream at me anymore.
Allie and Sami have a little brother. He has always been a bit destructive, but he was my saving grace when they were small because he was so amiable. He was predictable. He was sweet to me. When I became pregnant with number four, I hoped it would be another boy.
I went in for the ultrasound with Kevin and the girls.
After lying there on the table for a while, anxious to know, the tech said, "Well, it looks like Dad is good a making girls." My heart sank a little.
She finished, we walked out of the building, and I put my head on Kevin's chest and sobbed. "She's going to be mean to me!" I was a pregnant, hormonal wreck.
Yet I held on to hope. And when that little one was born I fell for her instantly, as mothers do. She was a darling baby-- so cuddly, so good-natured.
The estrogen kicked in when she was about three. That girl is a roller-coaster of emotion. Exuberant, passionate, opinionated, thoughtful, angry, empathetic. But I had anticipated this. The only kind of girls I make are strong-willed ones, just like their mom.
So now I have three females taking me on their own wild rides... at the same time.
I was talking with a friend last night, one who has been through these teen years already with her own daughters. She admitted it was hard. Really hard. "But," she said, "it will get better. It will get better."
That's good news, but do I really have to wait till they are adults to see that? I know I shouldn't wish away these years, but this teen angst is getting to me. It's wearing down my soul. No lie. No, I'm not being melodramatic. I have a gift of lightness and buoyancy, but with every eye-roll and sigh and glare of annoyance that light dims. I sink. I don't like living in darkness.
But... I suppose I don't really need to leave the light. I know she isn't seeking that control, but I also don't need to to give it to her... or to any of her sisters. I can allow them to take their "wild rides," but I don't need to join them. I can just sit on a bench nearby and eat an ice cream cone with their brother. He doesn't want to ride with them either.
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