A Bit of Regression

This past week was a struggle.

All of my failings, all of my weaknesses, seemed magnified. I couldn't escape them. Being forgetful, losing my cool, saying the wrong things to my children... always.

It all came to a head Sunday with my two oldest. I couldn't seem to do anything right with one, and the other's lack of cooperation was exasperating. As usual, I blamed myself for their poor choices, feeling I hadn't taught them well enough. Feeling their bad habits are merely a reflection of my own.

I thought, They can't get their act together because I can't. It's all my fault... What is wrong with me?!

I had cried off and on throughout the morning, even letting the kids walk in to church on their own so I could take a moment to collect myself before heading in. The last thing I wanted was sympathy or attention. I needed the tear stains to dry, and the redness around my eyes and nose to fade. I silently prayed that no one would notice... One friend saw me in the car, and tapped on my window. I halfheartedly smiled at him and waved, like, "It's cool, bro. I'm fine." But I wasn't fine. If I could have slept in the van for the rest of church, I may have done that. Instead, I took a few deep breaths, got out and walked into the building as quickly as possible, avoiding eye contact while still trying to greet people.

Drew and Eve knew I was "off," and cuddled next to me, Eve hugging my arm and occasionally reaching up with her little face to kiss my cheek.

I kept my head down, fighting back tears. Sometimes, a few fell, but I hoped it wasn't terribly obvious. I had to keep it together, because after the first speaker the choir was going to sing, and I was the accompanist. Then after Sacrament Meeting, I was supposed to teach one of the Young Women classes. The lesson the girls had chosen for that week was "Who am I, and who can I become?" I had read all the lesson materials, and had come up with a plan, but then I was battling this meltdown-- one that frequently happens on days when I'm assigned to teach...

The time for the choir to sing came, and I quickly made my way to the piano, trying to stay focused on the task. After I sat on the bench, I looked up to see friend after friend following me up to the stand, lining the choir seats till they nearly didn't have enough room for them. I haven't seen a choir that big in our ward in over a decade.

Our number was simple-- a basic arrangement of the hymn, "A Prayer of Thanksgiving." Straight out of the hymnbook. But the power that came from that choir-- bearing pure and simple testimony, expressing a prayer of humble gratitude and praise, strengthened my soul and lifted the burden that had been resting upon my shoulders.

The lesson I had prepared for the Young Women (all two of the them that came to my class that day-- one of them being Allie), was one I think was chosen really for my benefit.

I had thought about last month when Drew had taken a field trip to the Orlando Science Center. They were able to spend about forty-five minutes in a lab trying to build their own roller coasters with marbles and rubber tracks, having discussed potential and kinetic energy-- potential being stored energy, and kinetic being energy in motion. The greater the potential energy, the greater the kinetic energy. Ever since that day, I thought about our own "potential energy"-- what we are capable of because of who we really are.

So I brought this up in my lesson. Then we read the beginning statement from the recently updated Young Women Theme:

I am a beloved daughter of Heavenly Parents (yes, Latter-day Saints believe that we also have a Heavenly Mother. Wild stuff, right?!) with a divine nature (meaning, I have inherited attributes from my Father in Heaven) and eternal destiny (He has provided a plan for me to come home and live with Him eternally, forever). 

Right there. That is who we are. And if our destiny is eternal life, meaning our kinetic energy has eternal possibilities, then our potential energy in infinite as well.

We are eternal beings by nature, made by the Divine, bestowed with His gifts and characteristics. Imagine what we are capable of learning now, and learning throughout eternity! Because of Jesus Christ, such an eternity is our destiny. He is like the track, without which, the roller coaster would crash and burn.

I can rejoice that, while I will make mistakes, Christ has made my potential an actual possibility. And He has given me an eternity to realize it.

I need not punish myself, holding a tight grip on my shortcomings. Because He doesn't.

Nor do I need to be ashamed of myself when I am weak in spirit. Because He isn't.

I love this quote from Elder Dale G. Renlund, "...God cares a lot more about who we are and who we are becoming than about who we once were. He cares that we keep on trying."

So keep on trying, my friends.

The Young Women made small, simple stuffed bears for the ER, to hand out to little ones who might be afraid or sad. Allie isn't super comfortable sewing, but she did it anyway! 

Iratus sum, ergo sum

I don't speak Latin.

But Google Translate is amazing.

I was thinking about that old phrase by Decartes. Cogito, ergo sum. "I think, therefore I am." Truly, if we are able to ponder our own existence, then we exist. No doubt about that. I wouldn't leave it there, though. If we are able to feel our own existence-- all the emotions that go along with being human-- then we are. We are alive. We are present.

So, iratus sum, ergo sum. I am angry, therefore I am.

That's not to say that I am necessarily angry right now, nor do I want to be. In fact, I know I have been angry too much lately, getting upset with others (perhaps, if only internally) when it's not worth my time, and frustrated with situations I can't control.

I need to let it go. I need more charity.

So I have been praying daily for more charity for others, even focusing on specific individuals-- individuals whom I love, but perhaps haven't been loving perfectly. Praying has helped. Fewer things have bothered me, and it has been glorious feeling less angry.

But anger is normal. It's a very human feeling, and sometimes it's even justified. Hey, even Jesus got angry!

The problem with that "justified anger" is that we may not know how to express it with respect, or we hold it in, letting it fester (could take days, could take years), till we can't hold it in anymore. Explosive anger is the worst, but long-time festering anger contributes to depression.

I tend to feel such justified anger when I feel I've been disrespected or judged harshly or falsely, or when I see it happening to others. If the culprit is a child or teen, I step in and correct, as long as I am the nearest authority figure. I don't yell, but I am firm and clear.

Adults are a different story. I do not feel, nor have I ever felt, comfortable calling out an adult when I am angry with them regarding their behavior. I hate contention, and avoid it like the plague.

Sometimes, I step back and look at the situation and realize that keeping my mouth shut and letting it go is for the best. Other times, my anger is kindled because the offense is recurring. I sit back and say nothing, hoping it won't happen again, but knowing deep down that it will. Really, I'm just setting myself up for abuse, albeit minor.

Personally, I am just tired of carrying such anger around with me.

Obviously, I am going to continue to pray for charity. Daily. Multiple times a day, even. It will help me " not sweat the small stuff," or even the BIG stuff! There are heaps of issues around me that I have no control over. Perhaps they happen on the other side of the country, or even the world. But I do have control over my little world, my life, my own actions.

But when I do feel I've been wronged, and when I step back to look at it and evaluate, I realize that, if it's important enough, I can't keep silent. Speaking up (with civility and respect, otherwise it will have the opposite effect) will get the weight off. It will liberate me.

And I've always been a big proponent of agency.

Since beginning my self-care journey, I have made quite a bit of progress in terms of saying no and loving myself.

This month it's time to honor my anger... when it has it's rightful place, of course.